ALMOST NOT EVEN SLUG KING

I know I’m late in the commentary, but I’d just like to raise three points about the “SLUG Queen” festivities of last Friday:

First and foremost, Debbie shoulda won!  I realize that, as her husband, I could be regarded as a biased source.  But it is my firm opinion that Holly GoSluggly was the class of the competition!  Mayhaps, “class” and “SLUG Queen” aren’t so synonymous.  We’ll see next year!

Secondly, it was my idea to have slugettes in drag behind Debbie.  I admit it!  Debbie asked me how to make her “Slug River” routine funnier and I, with my compulsive inability to keep a joke to myself, walked into it like a lamb to slaughter and blurted out that which was funniest.

To my credit, I tried really hard to get out of it.  I thought of the two least likely men to join me and said I’d do it if they would.  Unfortunately, my stop-gaps failed me as both Jonathan and Aaron agreed to sing on stage in drag with only a hint of reluctance.  What truly great friends to Debbie!  I, on the other hand, will someday have my revenge….. and then I will giggle quietly.

My third and final point is the disturbing notion that when Debbie does become SLUG Queen, her reign will last the year.  And if, fate forbid, I should die during the course of that year, the lead story of my obituary will be that I was the SLUG Queen’s husband.  I wouldn’t even be Slug King or any kind of Slug royalty at all.  I’m just some schmo who was lucky enough to marry the SLUG Queen.  Whoop-dee-doo!  What a life!  Besides, then I’d be dead and all the Slug Suitors would come by “sliming their respects” on the grieving SLUG Queen widow and I wouldn’t be able to…  aw, you get the idea.

LET ONE HIT THE GROUND

Photo from D. Laferriere - http://www.flickr.com/photos/dlaferriere/2945308266

In my house we have ants.

There are ants in the kitchen.  There are ants in the basement.  There are ants in the bedroom.  Lots of little black piss-ants that go wherever they please whenever they please.

Don’t get me wrong here.  It’s not like the floors and walls are covered with ants like in some Stephen King story.  But they like to go after the cats’ water dishes and the discarded candy wrappers that don’t quite make the “trash 2-pointer”.  So we, like many surface-dwellers before us, share a house with ants.

We’ve tried killing them.  Oh lord how we have tried killing them!  But, unfortunately for our circumstances, these ants seem to believe that the philosophy of “whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” also applies to ant poison.  For we now appear to have beefy little black piss-ants that could carry a rubber-tree plant wherever and whenever they please.

So we’ve discovered the trick to living in symbiotic harmony even though we get absolutely nothing out of it.  Say you’re baking cupcakes.  There’s nothing quite as annoying as making a beautiful tasty batch of cupcakes that then becomes ant fodder.

How do we solve this dilemma?  Let ‘em have one!  We usually make too many anyway, so throw one on the floor and let the ants have at it!  Trust me, it’s a hell of a lot better than losing the whole batch.

The key to the solution is that ants really aren’t that smart, you see.  They won’t go looking for the rest.  They’ll find the one and leave the rest alone.  Or is it that ants really are smarter than we are and don’t take any more than they need?  Perhaps these ants have reached a stage in their evolution where they see the folly in doing things like making more cupcakes than you should safely eat in a 48 hour period.

So apparently we have green beefy little black piss-ants in my house.

IGNARROGANCE Defined

It’s not in Webster’s yet, but here is my personal definition:

IGNARROGANCE  (n.)

1)  The state or condition of being arrogant about a subject or topic of which you are, in reality, quite ignorant.

2)  A combo platter of ignorance and arrogance.

3)  Any form of forthright ignorance.

4)  The state of being when morons have the courage of their convictions.

5)  George W. Bush

And while all humanity suffers from ignarrogance in some form or another, I find it to be especially prevalent in good ‘ol modern day America.  I’ll be posting some of the more interesting examples I come across.  I hope you’ll find them as frustratingly entertaining as I do.

Coming soon:  The National Tea Party!

OSCAR Picks

Since this is Oscar week, most of my friends will find it apropos that I open my first blog with my picks.  Feel free to steal these for your office pool or if you just want to impress upon your date what an intelligent dork you truly are.

BEST PICTURE

1)  The Hurt Locker should win.  The intensity is damned near unbearable.  If you can still see it in a theater, go… now!

2)  A Serious Man is that rare dark comedy that pulls no punches whatsoever.  And the Coen Brothers are the best filmmakers working today.

3)  Up is an almost perfect movie.  It may be Pixar’s finest.  ‘Nuff said.

4)  Inglourious Basterds… so much fun.  Tarantino’s love of movies comes through in every frame.

5)  Up In the Air says so much about our society that I’m almost afraid to watch it again.  Clooney and Reitman are great together.

6)  District 9 is a very good science fiction movie.  If he were alive (or involved), Asimov would’ve been proud… ’till the last 20 minutes or so.

7)  An Education is simply a wonderful film.  Carey Mulligan is a breath of fresh air and Alfred Molina deserved a nod.

8)  Precious is more important than enjoyable, but everyone should see it.  It’s not flawless, but Mo’Nique alone is worth a viewing.

9)   Avatar is a magnificent technical achievement.  It’s also laughably stupid.  When did James Cameron decide that simplistic plots were best?  The 3D is the only thing keeping it at #9 on this list.

10)   The Blind Side may very well be the finest damned After School Special I’ve ever seen.  But a Best Picture nominee?

And because everyone asks, “What would you have nominated instead?”, here are a few possibilities that could have occupied those last 2 spots very comfortably.

**   The Hangover was that rare comedy that was not only clever, but also well-made.  Ten nominations and you still can’t acknowledge that comedy is hard?  Come on!

**   If you’re going to go with the popular high-grossing flick, what about Star Trek?  Here was a solid piece of fluff that also managed to reinvent one of Hollywood’s most dependable franchises.

**  I haven’t seen Invictus yet, but I can’t imagine the worst Eastwood movie could be as excruciating as Avatar.

**  Debbie assures me that Young Victoria was a beautiful movie.  Ten nominations and no costume dramas?  Huh?

BEST ACTOR

Jeff Bridges is always awesome and he finally dug his teeth into a role the Academy would appreciate.

BEST ACTRESS

Sandra Bullock will probably win, but Meryl Streep pulled off Julia Child with heart and great comic timing and should win her long-overdue third trophy.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Mo’Nique.  Wow!  I mean…  Wow!

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Christoph Waltz reminds us once again that the most charming demons are the most sinister.

BEST DIRECTOR

Kathryn Bigelow made The Hurt Locker the taut, intense masterpiece that it is.  Absolute brilliance!  And while this shouldn’t really matter, it’s about damned time they gave it to a chick!

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

Tight race.  I’d vote for A Serious Man.  But The Hurt Locker will probably win.

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

Up In the Air is a feast for the ears.  And the Academy is justifiably enamored of Jason Reitman.

Of course, these aren’t the only categories.  On the others, I hope your guess is not as good as mine for I must retain some sort of advantage in the office pool since I’ve already spent the winnings.